Divorce is one of most expensive things you can endure in life. For years, lawyers are told that the average fee for an estate is 10% – $100,000 if the estate is at least $1M. Few marital estates in California fall below $1M given housing values. Some cases earn far more than $100,000 in fees and costs and the parties incur this debt in addition to the emotional toll it takes on the family. How do we make getting rid of your ex cheaper? Planning.
First, before deciding if it’s the end or just a rough patch, ask yourself: if I don’t see this person again tomorrow, will my life improve? In other words, can I go on without being together. Sometimes the hassles and petty annoyances are endearing and if you think you are going to “miss” them once they’re gone, divorce is not your answer. Maybe try counseling or church or a long vacation apart.
But, if the day-to-day has become a slog and a rut, you need to have a plan to dig out of it. The first thing anyone needs to do is put some money aside for the process. This can be enough to buy groceries and pay rent for six months and hire an attorney to fight for support. You cannot expect to go cold turkey without money or representation unless you are very aggressive and want to learn the process yourself double-time. Courts don’t make exceptions for self-represented parties.
Getting orders for support take weeks and most courts do not consider lack of income as an “emergency”.
Domestic violence scenarios get first priority in the legal system. Those almost always involve harm or imminent threat of harm although disturbing one’s peace of mind is gaining traction as a ground, especially if the violence occurs in the front of the kids or they hear about it from the parent later.
Second, you need to know what to expect. Almost every person coming to grips with divorcing has to ask themselves: will I “lose” the house if I move out? The answer is, No, but there are consequences. If you have children under 10, you need to think about the effect of your leaving: who is going to get them to school and activities? Wil the spouse staying behind accuse you of abandoning the kids? Yes; it always happens, even though it’s not true. You just can’t explain that to Timmy until he’s 19.
If you have the basics, a home with a mortgage, cars with loans/leases, credit card debt, all of these have to be divided and distributed equally and equitably. Everything that comes into the marriage is up for grabs and division. This includes assets and debts.
If you have a job, and during marriage you started an IRA, that’s community property. It’s subject to division based upon the “time rule” how much of it was earned during the marriage gets split 50-50; if part was earned before marriage and after date of separation, that belongs to the spouse that earned it.
Third, what is reasonable to expect? Equitable division is a nebulous concept. It’s like Joint Tenancy: you have an undivided equal interest in the whole. The same applies to community property. The biggest surprise most people have is YOU DON’T WANT THE COURT DECIDING WHO GETS WHAT. Having to take a divorce to trial is shorthand for failing to be reasonable about dividing the estate and paying support. This does not mean giving away the store; it means reconciling yourself that you really don’t want that antique hutch you just happened to find at the Paris flea market and had shipped back home cut in two with a chainsaw and given half to you and have to your ex.
The reason you don’t want the Court to decide the fate of your assets and who gets to keep the kids most is that (a) courts are highly congested with dissolution matters and the amount of time a bench officer has to entertain your gripes is a whopping 10 minutes and that is a generous estimate, and (b) you know your circumstances best while the Court is bound by State policies: equal access of the kids to each parent, equal access to funds and assets for the unemployed spouse, etc.
Does this mean every divorce should be worked out between you and not the Court? Ideally, yes. Realistically, no. The news is rife with examples of monied individuals getting away with highway robbery and sometimes, those thefts get reversed or checked by the legal system. Your goal should be to try and avoid this because the average appeal costs upwards of $50,000, and that’s just the retainer.
So, what to do? Get some advice. Some firms (like ours) offer a free 30-minute in person consultation. Or, buy a Nolo Press book on Divorce. There are lots of self-help guides out there. The main thing is not to give too much away in the spirit of cooperation. Sometimes, to make sure that doesn’t happen, it helps to have a professional on your side just for that purpose.